Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. I don’t know where to start all of this so let me give you a visual.
Oh, look at the cute birdie sitting on the windowsill. What a picture perfect moment except the damn bird is on the wrong side of the window! kjgnad;kfndaf;kndas;fknd – that was my head hitting the keyboard as I ducked as the little flying freak flew over my head. OH MY GOD.
I should note that I’m not a huge animal fan. I really, really try but 99% of all animals absolutely terrify me (I know fans of I Can Has Cheezburger are going to send me all kinds of reprimanding emails so if you could just direct it here we’ll cut out the middle man). Because I blame my mother. She didn’t want hair on the couch so she bought us a frog and yes, it grew (I believe that’s why it was aptly named “Grow-a-Frog”) and we watched it and interacted but really how much interaction can you have with a pet that spends its entire life underwater? So, the only furry friends I really got to know were 1) the terrifying dog across the street who bared his teeth every time I stepped off our sidewalk 2) my best friend’s terrifying dog who one night taught me the outer limits of pee holding 3) the terrifying cat who ruined a friends’ 6th birthday party for me, mainly because I was trapped in her bedroom for the majority of the party by her hissing cat and no one could hear my screams. Do you sense a trend here?!?!?!
So you can imagine my terror this morning when I was awoken by flapping wings, cat’s mewing and lamps falling (note: we do have a cat, which is my first pet ever and has forever spoiled me because he’s more like a little person…who poops in a playhouse). The bird is flapping all over the house, I’m screaming while trying not to cry and Chris? Chris is in San Francisco where he is no help at all and keeps calmly telling me, “You really need to relax because it’s only a bird.” Yes, a BIRD THAT IS IN MY HOUSE.
Update: My best friend Susie just completely lost all hearing in her right ear. We were trying to figure out how I can get it out of the house when it took off from its perch on the drapes and dive bombed my head. Of course, I screamed.
Update 2: This damn cat is useless. He’s bored?!?!?! I’m sorry but normally the biggest excitement in your day is watching me open a can of food. You don’t think you might want to step it up a bit?
Update 3: I’ve decided that I need to be an adult and handle this responsibly. I’m going to open a back window and see if I can get it to fly out it. Don’t worry, I have protection.
Update 4: So, the stupid bird is perfectly content to just sit on the curtains and watch the world go by. Meanwhile, my hair is falling out with the sheer terror of the situation. I’m going to buy some bird seed and see if I can’t entice him towards the window. Plus, the cat is now locked in the office so he can’t jump out the window and his banging around is making me very, very jumpy.
Update 5: Holy crap. So, I think the bird is gone? I just got back from the store and I don’t think he’s here. I took my broom and banged on all the walls and clothes and so far haven’t been winged to death. I can’t decide which is more terrifying – knowing where he is or knowing that he’s probably gone but may still be here. Is 10am too early to start drinking?
Update 6: Okay, I think he’s gone for good. There are feathers on the ceiling but that seems to be the only trace of him. The problem now is I don’t know how he got in here, and more importantly, if he’ll be back. What if he brings friends? What if he brings the Swine flu? Or what’s the other one? Bird flu! Jeez Louise. I’m calling it a day.
3 Comments
You are so funny, I am peeing my pants! I love icanhascheezburger, but i love you more!!!
Oh my goodness, you are seriously one of the funniest people I know. I love your bird story and more importantly your outfit for protection. Glad to hear that the bird is gone.
Well, I was going to say “thank God you’re already married,” but you beat me to it. So I’ll say, “thank God Chris doesn’t read her blog.”