I have always had a horrible memory. It’s the type of thing where people are forever saying, “Remember that time we went to the Renaissance Fair and that guy in the Pac Man mask held us up at gun point but you got us out of it by pretending to have a fainting spell which gave the javelin thrower time to stick him with a turkey leg?” And I’m all, “They make Pac Man masks? How does that work? Because his face is actually his whole body so maybe you mean it’s more like a Pac Man suit?” And then the other people get frustrated because I have no idea what they’re referring to, even though apparently I’m a hero, dammit, and walk away.

This lack of memory is never more apparent than when people want to talk to me about places I’ve “visited.”

Soon to be traveler: We’re heading off to Ireland next week. I heard that you’ve been there numerous times and have at times even stayed for weeks at a time.

Me (with supreme confidence): Why yes I have!

STBT: Do you have any recommendations? We’ll be starting in Dublin and then going around the coast. Any towns you really liked?

Me: Well, I did quite a stint in Dublin, I must say. I’d recommend going to the… pubs. And shops. Lots and lots of pubs and shops. And, there are lots of really nice towns along the coast….

STBT: Cork, Galway…

Me: Yep, been to both. Actually I was in Galway for several weeks and I’d say hit the… pubs that are there on the main street and the shops.

And on it goes… The obvious side effect of this is that people think 1) I’m incredibly stupid. 2) I’m lying and have never actually left my house. 3) I’ve been abducted by aliens and they did a piss poor job prepping my replacement. (Part of this may be due to the fact that whenever I travel anywhere I am extremely focused on… shopping and pubs.)

The only place where my brain remembers EVERYTHING is when it comes to things that happen to people. I mean it. I remember EVERYTHING. I have to keep capitalizing EVERYTHING because I really want you to understand just how full my brain is in regards to other people’s stories.

For example, the above conversation in reality went more like this…

Soon to be traveler: We’re heading off to Ireland…blah, blah, blah.

Me: (with supreme confidence): Why yes I have!

STBT: Do you have any recommendations… blah, blah…

Me: Well, I did quite a stint in Dublin, I must say.. blah.

STBT: Cork, Galway…

Me: Yep, been to both. Actually I was in Galway for several weeks and now that you mention it, I believe it was in Galway that I found out that my best friend little sister’s cousin was dating that guy from Michigan and I think that’s when they took their trip to Texas. It’s hard to remember because I never actually met either of them. But, Galway…. I think I liked it.

More proof: my best friend calls ME to remind her what happened on her first date with her husband. Was I there? No. But I remember, as if I was, what they ate, talked about, what time they left and how he forgot his wallet (ahh, that still makes me smile).

The worst is when a friend has told me about someone and then I meet them for the first time. I’ve creeped out entire parties with my encyclopedic knowledge of people’s past boyfriends, jobs and vacations. “Oh right, did you have fun on your Aspen camping trip three years ago? Didn’t you get rained out and you had to sit in a diner for an hour while it stopped and I think you met some guy from Fairbanks that you dated for a week or so, didn’t you?” People at this point usually think I’m some sort of freaky entertainment or a crazy stalker. Or both.

Now what does all this have to do with anything? I can’t remember. Ha! Ha! No, I do remember. See, I got married a couple of weeks ago and it was highly necessary to create as much space as possible in my brain so I could actually remember the wedding and events as they were happening to me. So that when my grandchildren want to know about my Big Day I sound like I actually attended and didn’t just watch the video. Because my brain was so full of remembering stuff, I forgot I had a blog. And I forgot to update it.

Fortunately, all of that hard remembering work is out of the way so I can use my brain for important things, like where I bookmarked all of the new cool shoe stores I want to share with you.